Everyone is talking about the release of the film version of “Fifty Shades of Grey” – I understand the book is better, as tends to be the case with films based on books. If you saw it, did you agree with the Village Voice review that said “The sex scenes are good, but the comedy is better”? Or maybe you agree with the assessment of my 82-year-old tea-totaling neighbor who saw it and said “Oh please! Haven’t we seen all this before?! Yawn.”
Whether sexual kinkiness is caused by submerged ill-treatment in our developing years stuck in our Shadow, or whether it’s simply a fun option between two consenting adults, I thought it would be helpful to come up with a list I call “50 Shades of Your Shadow”.
It is NOT comprehensive, and in no particular order. But these are possible beliefs held in your Shadow or blind spot – what you cannot see and cannot own up to, but that are causing undesirable results in your love life. See if you can recognize any of YOUR “Shades”:
- I am not good enough, especially compared to others
- I’m unlovable, nobody likes me
- I need a partner so I can feel lovable
- I am not complete without a love partner
- If only this would happen: _________________, I would be happy
- I feel worthless
- I actually do feel good about myself until others make me feel worthless
- I don’t fit in, I don’t belong anywhere
- I was abandoned, neglected, abused and still feel it in relationships
- I have no confidence
- I can’t get anything right
- I am flawed
- Things never work out the way I want them to
- I can’t seem to get what I want
- Someone else is to blame for my troubles
- I was given a tough lot in life
- My circumstances keep me stuck and there’s no way out
- Everyone else’s needs come first, I’m okay putting my needs on the backburner, I can do without
- I make promises to myself to do good things for myself, but never seem to get around to doing them
- I blame myself
- There are no good partners out there
- Nobody is good enough for me
- I deserve the best, and most potential partners just don’t measure up
- Others aren’t as smart, together, attractive as me
- If my partner doesn’t make me the center of attention, they’re out of here
- I deserve the best, and I’d rather be alone if I can’t get it
- People are so disappointing
- All the potential partners out there are unavailable or non-committal
- My partner ought to know what I need without my verbalizing it
- I am so beyond any of these Shadow beliefs – I don’t have any of this in me
- I know how to control myself so none of these negative traits come out
- There are some things about myself I find completely unacceptable
- I need a partner that excites me and fills me with the thrill of passion
- Chemistry with another is more important than connection
- My fear of intimacy gets in the way of forming healthy connection
- My fear of abandonment gets in the way of forming healthy connection
- I make decisions based on fear
- My fears control me, limit me
- I am afraid of my fears, I don’t want to be fearful
- I’m always criticizing myself
- I’m always criticizing others
- I find myself complaining a lot
- I like to gossip about others
- I am very independent because I know it’s not good to be needy
- I keep attracting partners over and over with the same undesirable traits
- Emotions are not to be trusted
- I must control my emotions
- I feel ashamed about some things in myself
- I will never let go of what my ex (my friend, my family member, etc.) did to me – it’s just inexcusable and unacceptable
- I take things personally
These are just SOME of the beliefs our Shadow may hold, but we are blind to them! Beneath all of these beliefs we are secretly holding, there are feelings we don’t want to feel.
In order to keep our Shadow from blocking the flow of good relationship into our life, we need to excavate what’s beneath the results we’re getting, identify and change the belief, and fully feel the feelings we don’t want to feel so they can flow out of our bodies and therefore out of our lives!
If you’d like some help with that process, there is one more week left to take advantage of my discounted private one-hour counseling session. Simply click on the “Let’s Talk” tab to the right and schedule a time to talk.
Wishing you much Shadow-healing!
Nijole