A member of my community asks, “How do I know if there really is a soulmate for me? Or is it my destiny to live this life alone?”
Thank you for this deep and complex question. Let’s first look at the concept of “destiny”.
Do you believe that your life is “fated” or “destined”? Some people believe that God has a Plan and if having a life partner or soulmate is NOT part of God’s Plan, then you simply surrender and accept that as your “fate” or “destiny”.
Some say that before you were born, in the space between lives and reincarnations, you chose the soul path you wanted to explore and learn from in this lifetime. So your circumstance and life path were already chosen by your Greater Soul before you entered this life.
There are astrologers that say your entire life is pre-determined by the stars and all these pre-destined events simply unfold throughout your life.
And there are other spiritual teachers that say it is more enlightened to stop trying to “make things happen” and instead to just “go with the flow” – the flow being whatever the Greater Power puts in your path as you move along it. And that is how you know which experiences are “meant to be” yours.
I believe that what all these experts are describing is the spiritual practice of Release. The 12 Steps tradition says “Let Go and Let God.” I do agree that release, surrendering, accepting, and letting go are a very important part of your process in life, in general.
To me, whether or not you believe in a pre-ordained destiny, your first step in dealing with ANY situation or circumstance in your life is to ACCEPT it AS IT IS.
This doesn’t mean you agree with what is going on or judge it as being good – actually, you want to stay away from judging ANYTHING as good or as bad. Judgment is a function of our ego and is used to strengthen our defenses against the perceived threats and dangers of life – whether there is a real, actual threat or not.
The trouble is, when we are in defense mode, we also cannot access our Greater Power and Inner Resources, which can help us deal with whatever is going on.
What Acceptance means is that you simply accept that whatever is going on IS indeed what is happening. It means you get out of RESISTING life, or being in DENIAL, and you start moving along your path of how you’re going to RESPOND and deal with what is happening. So Acceptance helps us access the Inner Resources we need.
AND – there are also a few other spiritual Truths that I believe.
One of the ideas I believe is that a strong desire, longing, or yearning that is coming from your heart and your soul was placed there by God / the Universe / your Higher Power / Greater Soul / Super Conscious. This is your “evolutionary impulse” that is seeking to always be more, expand, and grow – it is Sacred.
And if you have a strong desire for a soulmate / life partner that is coming from your heart and soul, then I do believe that is part of your personal “destiny”.
Now – it is important to understand the difference between a strong longing coming from your mind or from your defense mechanisms, as opposed to coming from the pure vibration of your heart and soul, so you need to be able to discern the difference in the voices / messages coming to you.
Another idea I believe is that one of our purposes in life is to learn to create the life we desire using our personal power.
As children, we are often given messages that we are not yet powerful enough to handle creating our own life. We grow up dependent on others and our defense mechanisms are formed to keep us safe and comfortable, naturally putting us in a place of powerlessness.
The process of maturity is to overcome these childhood messages, take greater and greater responsibility, and learn to wield our personal power more and more as we go through life, until we master creating the life we desire.
So how does that fit in with the ideas that our lives are planned or pre-destined in some way? Of course, we can’t prove whether or not that is absolutely True – at this point, it’s a matter of choice for each person to decide for themselves whether or not they choose to believe in the concept of destiny / fate / predetermination / God’s plan.
However, I know even the best astrologers will say that although the stars may determine what happens in your life, it is still up to you to choose how you respond to the events that happen. Ultimately, we still have free will, even in a predestined experience.
For example, if you were born with a physical disability, that may have been your “destiny” in this life, and you may not have free will about that circumstance.
But you still have a choice whether you choose to go through life as a victim or as a winner who does not let your disability get in the way of becoming all you can become within your given limitations. And we are ALL given limitations of one kind or another.
So to summarize, I like to say that we are in CO-CREATION with the greater powers of the Universe.
The experts that teach “Law of Attraction” might say that EVERYTHING in your life is created by you – sometimes consciously by your mind, sometimes unconsciously by your programmed thinking or your subconscious mind.
And I do agree with that. And what that also includes is not just everything that is being created by you, but everything that is being created by everyone else on the planet who is putting their unique energy and desire out into the world. So you are not creating the circumstances of your life ALONE.
(This gives new meaning to the idea of being destined to live this life ALONE – we NEVER live it completely alone, right?!)
You are co-creating your life with any pre-determined elements, with other co-creating fellow humans, and with any Divine Super Powers.
So – if you feel that you need to resign yourself to a life destiny as a single person because of some stroke of fate, you are giving up your free will to be a part of the co-creation of your life.
You are handing over your personal power to a Higher Authority, and asking It or someone / something else to be in charge, and have dominion over your life – like a child does to a parent. So that you don’t have to take responsibility, perhaps…?
The question is – are you willing to give up all your power? Or are you interested in learning to use your power? Are you READY?
There is wisdom in giving up your desire to CONTROL. And that is what I think the experts who teach about God’s Plan or “going with the flow” are referring to.
Again – we need to discern the difference between using your free will and personal power to CREATE or CO-CREATE your life, as opposed to using your egoic defense mechanisms to try to keep your life under CONTROL.
The bottom line is – if you are clear you have a strong desire for a soulmate that is coming from your purely vibrating heart and soul rather than from societal messages or your ego or mentality, then learn to work with and use your personal power and be the co-creator of the life you desire.
Set a strong intention that a soulmate / life partner is for YOU, trust your Inner Guidance, believe in yourself, and the Universe will open locked doors for you.
I understand the journey can be long and hard, fraught with challenge and heartbreak. Isn’t every journey? The journey of your health, your family relationships, your work and prosperity? That is life, and that is how we grow. We can’t seek to avoid pain – it becomes less painful when we accept it.
If there are no challenges in your life, you are not really ALIVE, because challenges cause us to reach for MORE, to expand our ENERGY, and therefore to evolve our understanding, our maturity, our responsibility, our capability – our growth in general. This is what life is all about.
If you feel deeply that having a soulmate is for you, set your intention with a strong commitment, and the Universe will follow your energy. And then – let it go, don’t NEED or WANT it (an important spiritual stance for allowing grace to come in), and allow it to come to you in a form that you probably did not expect.
That’s how it works.
And don’t forget that there is help and support for you every step of the way – you don’t need to learn how to reinvent the wheel. Turn to someone who has succeeded in partnering with their soulmate – a trusted friend, a good coach, a valuable mentor – who could be a valuable, impartial and positive support.
So, what do you think?
Share your thoughts in the comments below or on my Facebook page here.
And if you’d like to see if we’re a match for working together, schedule a free session with me here.