A member of my community asks, “How do I know if there really is a soulmate for me? Or is it my destiny to live this life alone?”
Thank you for this deep and complex question. Let’s first look at the concept of “destiny”.
Do you believe that your life is “fated” or “destined”? Some people believe that God has a Plan and if having a life partner or soulmate is NOT part of God’s Plan, then you simply surrender and accept that as your “fate” or “destiny”.
Some say that before you were born, in the space between lives and reincarnations, you chose the soul path you wanted to explore and learn from in this lifetime. So your circumstance and life path were already chosen by your Greater Soul before you entered this life.
There are astrologers that say your entire life is pre-determined by the stars and all these pre-destined events simply unfold throughout your life.
And there are other spiritual teachers that say it is more enlightened to stop trying to “make things happen” and instead to just “go with the flow” – the flow being whatever the Greater Power puts in your path as you move along it. And that is how you know which experiences are “meant to be” yours.
I believe that what all these experts are describing is the spiritual practice of Release. The 12 Steps tradition says “Let Go and Let God.” I do agree that release, surrendering, accepting, and letting go are a very important part of your process in life, in general.
To me, whether or not you believe in a pre-ordained destiny, your first step in dealing with ANY situation or circumstance in your life is to ACCEPT it AS IT IS.
This doesn’t mean you agree with what is going on or judge it as being good – actually, you want to stay away from judging ANYTHING as good or as bad. Judgment is a function of our ego and is used to strengthen our defenses against the perceived threats and dangers of life – whether there is a real, actual threat or not.
The trouble is, when we are in defense mode, we also cannot access our Greater Power and Inner Resources, which can help us deal with whatever is going on.
What Acceptance means is that you simply accept that whatever is going on IS indeed what is happening. It means you get out of RESISTING life, or being in DENIAL, and you start moving along your path of how you’re going to RESPOND and deal with what is happening. So Acceptance helps us access the Inner Resources we need.
AND – there are also a few other spiritual Truths that I believe.
One of the ideas I believe is that a strong desire, longing, or yearning that is coming from your heart and your soul was placed there by God / the Universe / your Higher Power / Greater Soul / Super Conscious. This is your “evolutionary impulse” that is seeking to always be more, expand, and grow – it is Sacred.
And if you have a strong desire for a soulmate / life partner that is coming from your heart and soul, then I do believe that is part of your personal “destiny”.
Now – it is important to understand the difference between a strong longing coming from your mind or from your defense mechanisms, as opposed to coming from the pure vibration of your heart and soul, so you need to be able to discern the difference in the voices / messages coming to you.
(I have a course that can help you with this called “Know What You Desire” which is described here).
Another idea I believe is that one of our purposes in life is to learn to create the life we desire using our personal power.
As children, we are often given messages that we are not yet powerful enough to handle creating our own life. We grow up dependent on others and our defense mechanisms are formed to keep us safe and comfortable, naturally putting us in a place of powerlessness.
The process of maturity is to overcome these childhood messages, take greater and greater responsibility, and learn to wield our personal power more and more as we go through life, until we master creating the life we desire.
So how does that fit in with the ideas that our lives are planned or pre-destined in some way? Of course, we can’t prove whether or not that is absolutely True – at this point, it’s a matter of choice for each person to decide for themselves whether or not they choose to believe in the concept of destiny / fate / predetermination / God’s plan.
However, I know even the best astrologers will say that although the stars may determine what happens in your life, it is still up to you to choose how you respond to the events that happen. Ultimately, we still have free will, even in a predestined experience.
For example, if you were born with a physical disability, that may have been your “destiny” in this life, and you may not have free will about that circumstance.
But you still have a choice whether you choose to go through life as a victim or as a winner who does not let your disability get in the way of becoming all you can become within your given limitations. And we are ALL given limitations of one kind or another.
So to summarize, I like to say that we are in CO-CREATION with the greater powers of the Universe.
The experts that teach “Law of Attraction” might say that EVERYTHING in your life is created by you – sometimes consciously by your mind, sometimes unconsciously by your programmed thinking or your subconscious mind.
And I do agree with that. And what that also includes is not just everything that is being created by you, but everything that is being created by everyone else on the planet who is putting their unique energy and desire out into the world. So you are not creating the circumstances of your life ALONE.
(This gives new meaning to the idea of being destined to live this life ALONE – we NEVER live it completely alone, right?!)
You are co-creating your life with any pre-determined elements, with other co-creating fellow humans, and with any Divine Super Powers.
So – if you feel that you need to resign yourself to a life destiny as a single person because of some stroke of fate, you are giving up your free will to be a part of the co-creation of your life.
You are handing over your personal power to a Higher Authority, and asking It or someone / something else to be in charge, and have dominion over your life – like a child does to a parent. So that you don’t have to take responsibility, perhaps…?
The question is – are you willing to give up all your power? Or are you interested in learning to use your power? Are you READY?
There is wisdom in giving up your desire to CONTROL. And that is what I think the experts who teach about God’s Plan or “going with the flow” are referring to.
Again – we need to discern the difference between using your free will and personal power to CREATE or CO-CREATE your life, as opposed to using your egoic defense mechanisms to try to keep your life under CONTROL.
The bottom line is – if you are clear you have a strong desire for a soulmate that is coming from your purely vibrating heart and soul rather than from societal messages or your ego or mentality, then learn to work with and use your personal power and be the co-creator of the life you desire.
Set a strong intention that a soulmate / life partner is for YOU, trust your Inner Guidance, believe in yourself, and the Universe will open locked doors for you.
I understand the journey can be long and hard, fraught with challenge and heartbreak. Isn’t every journey? The journey of your health, your family relationships, your work and prosperity? That is life, and that is how we grow. We can’t seek to avoid pain – it becomes less painful when we accept it.
If there are no challenges in your life, you are not really ALIVE, because challenges cause us to reach for MORE, to expand our ENERGY, and therefore to evolve our understanding, our maturity, our responsibility, our capability – our growth in general. This is what life is all about.
If you feel deeply that having a soulmate is for you, set your intention with a strong commitment, and the Universe will follow your energy. And then – let it go, don’t NEED or WANT it (an important spiritual stance for allowing grace to come in), and allow it to come to you in a form that you probably did not expect.
That’s how it works.
And don’t forget that there is help and support for you every step of the way – you don’t need to learn how to reinvent the wheel. Turn to someone who has succeeded in partnering with their soulmate – a trusted friend, a good coach, a valuable mentor – who could be a valuable, impartial and positive support.
So, what do you think?
Share your thoughts in the comments below or on my Facebook page here.
And if you’d like to see if we’re a match for working together, schedule a free session with me here.
There is more that i would like to add to my comment which is the very truth. There will be times when women will even Curse at many of us single good men for no reason at all when we will just say good morning or hello to hopefully get a conversation going with them, and i even know other single friends that had the very same thing happened to them as well unfortunately. God unfortunately created so many very rotten and evil women nowadays that need to see a good shrink, which is why we really have this problem today. Very dangerous for many of us men to approach a woman that we would really like too meet, and we really have to be very careful of sexual harassment since these type of women will be looking to get us in trouble even when we really didn’t do anything wrong to begin with. This is why so many men are going MGTOW today, because of the very big change in the women unfortunately. Now i can see how very lucky and blessed our family members were when they met one another back in the old days, which it was certainly a lot easier for them when they found love. Just too many narcissists type of women, now that feminism is everywhere today as well. It is just too very bad that many of us men weren’t born in the past, which we would had met the right good woman to settle down with ourselves. Thank you very much for your support.
Again, I do hear you. And I have also heard from countless women that swear all the men are narcissistic, self-centered, egotistical, rude, abusive, etc. etc. I’ve heard it all. So which story is true? The truth is to realize that every story you tell yourself about the way the world is, is exactly what your reality will be until you clear the energy that got you to attract these types of experiences to begin with. It usually started with the first time your heart was broken. Your heart may have been broken as an adult, as a teen, or as an infant by a mother that was too busy to meet your needs at one particular moment, even if she was a very attentive mother most of the time. If you are serious about changing your future experiences, you need to commit to doing the inner work. Your first step would be to look inside and see what part of you is rejecting yourself for being who you are. If you believe that you should not be the man you are, you will attract women who agree with that assessment. In spite of the “male harassment” accusations by a number of women, and the reaction of MGTOW that we see, there is also an entire country of traditional male / female roles in families being played out, there are strong women who love sweet sensitive men who are enjoying a great relationship, there are sweet women getting along with their tough guys and there are wounded female codependents who are preyed upon by narcissistic males, and yes, there are men who get abuse from women as well. The truth is, there’s EVERYTHING going on out there in relationships right now. EVERY possibility is taking place somewhere in the world right now. So the thing to do is to decide what you want and commit to not having anything less. Decide that what you really want IS possible, and begin the healing work to make what you want a reality. Get out of victim consciousness – there are no solutions in that state of mind. I will not support you in arguing for your limitations, I will support you in opening to a larger set of possibilities than what you believe is possible right now. I hope that helps.
It really is very extremely devastating when you can’t find love, especially when many millions of others were so very lucky and blessed when they met their loved ones. It is like God punished us very severely this way for no reason, and i would say that he just wants us to be very miserable on top of it all. It is really not fair at all when so many others can have a life that we can’t have. That is why their life is so very much complete, which our life is very horrible unfortunately. And for many of us single men that were really hoping to meet the right woman to settle down with, which makes it even much worse for us as well. Women in the past were certainly so much different than today, and nowadays it is like trying to find a needle in a haystack since most women are very independent and don’t really want us men anymore.
I am truly sorry you feel this way. I understand your current situation is very difficult for you. All I can say is that things do not change from the outside, they only change in relation to your inner world. They change in relation to your level of consciousness and how open and accepting your heart is. Your heart is very wounded, and we all operate from victim consciousness from time to time. If you can heal the wound, forgive yourself and others and “the way things are”, that is the only way your experience can change. When we change our inner world, our outer world follows suit – we attract different experiences. In the words of my mentor, Michael Beckwith: “We want to let go of the constant complaining about things, and let go to a description of the world we want to live in. Because if you’re in the cycle of complaining, your eyes can’t see possibility. They can’t see potential. They can’t see opportunities. They can’t see a way out of no way. But if you begin to move into a description of the world you want to live in, rather than complaining about the world you think you’re living in, you begin to understand the Great Law: You don’t describe what you see, you see what you describe.” — Michael Beckwith