This week’s question comes from a reader who writes:
“I’m always attracted to amazing men who are not available:
they’re either single but not into me, or already in a committed
relationship. Seems like a pattern that I don’t know how to break out of…. What to do?”
This is one of the most common dilemmas I hear from clients – being attracted to unavailable partners. In your case, it sounds like you’re not actually dating them. In my case, I WAS! Sometimes for up to 10 months or longer, knowing they’re not that into me, they’re involved with someone else – ugh! That was back in the days when I didn’t know how to respect myself and my needs.
I was someone in NEED of close connection. The ones who are unavailable don’t have that need, but studies show that they are attracted to people who DO have that need. After all, SOMEONE in the relationship has to be doing all the work, and if they’re not inclined to do that kind of work, they have to be with someone who IS so inclined, in order to have a relationship at all.
The other thing that studies show is that people who don’t have a great need for connection or are “intimacy avoidant” make up a full 25% of the dating pool! Much higher of a percentage than you find in the general populace, and this makes sense, right? If you’re emotionally unavailable you’ll always be circulating and not involved.
The good news is the other 75% of the dating pool is either people who have a GREAT need for intimacy or are simply well-balanced and secure in themselves and looking for intimacy. So how do you attract one of the secure ones?
You always hear me talking about how our “energy” or “vibration” attracts a “like” vibration, right? So the solution is – BECOME secure in yourself and well-balanced in your emotional self and you will attract someone just like that. In other words, become who you want to have as a partner.
This is where the Shadow work comes in. Here is a little exercise that can help you with this:
1. Close your eyes, take some deep breaths until your mind is calm and you feel totally relaxed – let everything go…
2. Think of a person you were / are REALLY attracted to who is not available and tune into your feelings about them – really get in touch with the feeling sensations in your body.
3. Put a label on those feelings – are you Excited? Afraid? Sad? Hurt? Helpless?
4. Ask your feelings to give you a message they’re trying to convey to you. It might be something like “I’m afraid I’ll always be alone” or “I’m sad that I’m always passed over” or “I feel neglected, abandoned” – whatever it may be. This is the unconscious belief that is running you and your relationship pattern.
5. Thank your unconscious mind for bringing you the message, feel gratitude because once you know what your subconscious message is, you can work with it.
6. Begin to work on re-programming your mind into a more positive belief about yourself. You may not immediately believe “I will never be alone, passed over, neglected or abandoned!” but you can begin by repeating to yourself “I am learning how to ensure that I will never be alone, passed over, neglected, abandoned” – whatever your particular belief is.
Make sense? Leave a comment below and let me know how this exercise went for you! Or you can leave a comment on my Facebook post here – I really appreciate it! Sending love & blessings!
This is timely for me as well. I had just felt a shift in myself last week after feeling emotionally abused in my last relationship. I started repeating out loud to myself, “I will no longer neglect, abandon, nor abuse myself nor cause myself pain.” I had shifted to a realization that I allow this treatment from others and may even have welcomed it because it felt familiar. Therefore, I do it to myself. This shift felt so empowering that I also felt for the first time in my life that I did’t care if I was in a relationship. I felt thankful for this time when I could concentrate completely on my chosen spiritual path. Thank you, Nijole.
Yes, yes, YES!! And in time, when you can really believe it, evolve that mantra to “I am taking really good care of myself, checking in with my body / mind / spirit to see what I need, and giving it to myself immediately. I am my own best friend.”
This was great insight for me. I knew this but had forgotten and so appreciate the reminder!
We all need reminders regularly – happy to be of service!
Thank you Nijole.
This was/is so timely for me.
Breathing it in.
Grateful,
Beth
So glad to hear it, Beth! Be well!
Wow, that is food for thought. When I met my partner he was unavailable, and in fact my therapist. we are now together and he has had a stroke and lost his speech. I have been looking at my feelings of helplessness in the face of all this and life seems to have insisted I manage and learn to love myself first. I try to be aware of when fantasies of outside rescue flood my mind but I have finally decided to get back to ‘art’ as a way to take my mind off continually working or being there for him and the relationship or looking for a man to help with my thinking as he can’t any more anyway. Thank you for putting that so distinctly, it hadn’t occurred to me quite like that particularly ‘The ones who are unavailable don’t have that need..’ I will try the exercise some more, with much appreciation Susan
Wonderful to hear that you are committing to your self-care – art sounds like the perfect avenue for releasing the stress from your difficult task of caregiving. Life is always giving us what we need for our soul’s growth and it sounds like you are finding your way to meet this challenge! Sending blessings…
One tweak to this exercise: in your self-talk, it is important not to use the negative. So instead of saying “I am learning how to ensure that I will never be alone, passed over, neglected, abandoned” you might say “I am always connected, included, loved and cared for.” Our unconscious hears words like “abandoned,” whether or not we say something like “no longer abandoned,” and just gets the feeling-tone of “abandoned.”
This is a good catch – I too believe we want to shift our focus to feeling connected, included, loved, and cared for. If you have read my materials long enough, you know that I respond to the people who have tried affirmations and they didn’t work for them. That is when it’s important to start where you are and take one step at a time. If we cannot believe we are always connected, loved, etc., that’s when the other words can come in handy. Our subconscious mind needs to BELIEVE the new program we are trying to install. Then over time, we can move up the “positivity ladder” until we actually can believe and own that we are always connected, included, etc. Thank you!
That was a great blog…very helpful and spoke the truth for me. Thank you. Namaste’ Kathy in Idaho
Happy to hear it, Kathy! Namaste to you as well.