This week’s question comes from a reader who writes:
“I’m always attracted to amazing men who are not available:
they’re either single but not into me, or already in a committed
relationship. Seems like a pattern that I don’t know how to break out of…. What to do?”
This is one of the most common dilemmas I hear from clients – being attracted to unavailable partners. In your case, it sounds like you’re not actually dating them. In my case, I WAS! Sometimes for up to 10 months or longer, knowing they’re not that into me, they’re involved with someone else – ugh! That was back in the days when I didn’t know how to respect myself and my needs.
I was someone in NEED of close connection. The ones who are unavailable don’t have that need, but studies show that they are attracted to people who DO have that need. After all, SOMEONE in the relationship has to be doing all the work, and if they’re not inclined to do that kind of work, they have to be with someone who IS so inclined, in order to have a relationship at all.
The other thing that studies show is that people who don’t have a great need for connection or are “intimacy avoidant” make up a full 25% of the dating pool! Much higher of a percentage than you find in the general populace, and this makes sense, right? If you’re emotionally unavailable you’ll always be circulating and not involved.
The good news is the other 75% of the dating pool is either people who have a GREAT need for intimacy or are simply well-balanced and secure in themselves and looking for intimacy. So how do you attract one of the secure ones?
You always hear me talking about how our “energy” or “vibration” attracts a “like” vibration, right? So the solution is – BECOME secure in yourself and well-balanced in your emotional self and you will attract someone just like that. In other words, become who you want to have as a partner.
This is where the Shadow work comes in. Here is a little exercise that can help you with this:
1. Close your eyes, take some deep breaths until your mind is calm and you feel totally relaxed – let everything go…
2. Think of a person you were / are REALLY attracted to who is not available and tune into your feelings about them – really get in touch with the feeling sensations in your body.
3. Put a label on those feelings – are you Excited? Afraid? Sad? Hurt? Helpless?
4. Ask your feelings to give you a message they’re trying to convey to you. It might be something like “I’m afraid I’ll always be alone” or “I’m sad that I’m always passed over” or “I feel neglected, abandoned” – whatever it may be. This is the unconscious belief that is running you and your relationship pattern.
5. Thank your unconscious mind for bringing you the message, feel gratitude because once you know what your subconscious message is, you can work with it.
6. Begin to work on re-programming your mind into a more positive belief about yourself. You may not immediately believe “I will never be alone, passed over, neglected or abandoned!” but you can begin by repeating to yourself “I am learning how to ensure that I will never be alone, passed over, neglected, abandoned” – whatever your particular belief is.
Make sense? Leave a comment below and let me know how this exercise went for you! Or you can leave a comment on my Facebook post here – I really appreciate it! Sending love & blessings!