Is It About Releasing Triggers or Attracting a Healthier Partner?

Today’s question(s) come from Tarryn Friedman. She writes:

Hi Nijole,
I’ve filled out all your surveys, listen and watch all of your webinars, read your articles and really enjoy your work. Thank you!! Your information has really helped me grow and evolve 🙂
My question is: if I have been doing this work for over 4 years and I am aware of my patterns of attracting emotionally unavailable or hurtful men. Then when you do finally attract your soulmate, is it that the things that men did to you in the past don’t trigger you in your new soulmate relationship, or is it that you’re actually attracting a healthier man?

It’s both. When you become healthier, your higher vibration will attract a healthier man. And because you’re healthier, you will know how to deal with your triggers better. Our emotional triggers can become less and less charged as we evolve. For many of us, the same triggers will come up throughout our lives, but we will recover in seconds instead of in days! If you do the emotional processing, you can completely release your emotional triggers in certain areas, but for most people, that requires working with a skilled professional.

For instance when you attracted your soulmate husband, did he treat you much better than your last relationship because he was the right man for you or because things in this relationship didn’t trigger you as much as your last relationship and you knew how to manage conflict better this time around?

With my soulmate husband, it was MUCH more than him just treating me better. Our minds were on the same page. I had never experienced such compatibility before. It started on the first day we met and it continues to this day – we finish each other’s sentences, we know what the other thinks before speaking, we choose and like the same things – it’s uncanny! He is also the most loving man I’ve ever been with. Of course we’ve had emotional issues come up that we’ve had to deal with – there have even been times that we were at a breakup point. But the amount of connection and compatibility is what made us each be motivated enough to work out the differences, and even go through huge transformations, becoming completely different in our behavior. Most people don’t like to change, so if you don’t have enough connection, there won’t be enough motivation to go through all that. I also believe both partners have to be open and willing to change and grow – if you’re with someone who doesn’t want to change or grow, that is a dead end. Also, both partners need to be committed enough to the relationship and be willing to sacrifice their selfish needs for the greater good of the relationship. Notice I didn’t say “for the greater good of the other partner” – there’s a difference.

I’m just confused, because then couldn’t a past ex boyfriend come back into my life and be willing to step up, and it can turn into a soulmate relationship?

If your ex is truly committed to growth and change and committed to the two of your relationship, yes. If he really wants to work out his stuff with YOU, absolutely it could be a soulmate relationship.

‘Cause then it sounds like anyone could potentially be a soulmate partner, as long as you don’t view their actions as being hurtful?

There’s a limit to this concept. If their actions truly ARE hurtful, it doesn’t matter if you’re not viewing them as hurtful – you don’t want to be a doormat or have them wear down your boundaries and your self-esteem. There’s a balance, you always need to love yourself FIRST in any relationship – then you have more love to give to the relationship. If he’s a healthy person who has a gruff way of expressing himself, maybe you can be with him. But if he’s abusive – not necessarily physically, but also verbally or emotionally, just viewing his abuse as non-hurtful is not going to lead to a healthy relationship.

Eg : if I didn’t view my last boyfriend’s actions as being hurtful and I managed the conflict well and wasn’t triggered as much, then potentially we could still be together? Or does it also have to be the right person for the relationship to last?

I believe it has to be the right person – in other words, the two of you have to have enough compatibility and connection in order to be motivated enough to work it out through the tough times. There has to be enough genuine LOVE for each other, for who each of you is to the other. My husband and I don’t only love each other, we actually like who the other person is. For example, if we weren’t married, we’d choose to have each other in our circle of friends, we’d want to hang out with each other because we genuinely like the kind of people we each are, we enjoy each other’s company, we appreciate each other’s tastes and values, we have a lot in common. That creates a strong bond between two people.

I always get so confused with these questions. Thanks for your patience and time with this!
Kind regards Tarryn
You’re welcome, Tarryn!
To all my readers:
If you have a question you would like me to answer here in my blog, send it to info @ NijoleSparkis . com. I can’t promise I will answer all questions, but I will get to as many as I can.
Blessings to you!

4 thoughts on “Is It About Releasing Triggers or Attracting a Healthier Partner?”

  1. Hi, Nijole!

    I want to ask your advice on this issue that has been pressing for me since much of the time that I’ve been “dating” a man I met almost two years ago. I find myself not physically attracted to him although, in every other respect, he has the qualities that I desire in a healthy romantic relationship. He knows that I’m not in love with him although he still harbors romantic feelings for me. We get along great and I completely enjoy my time with him however, because I attracted unavailable men into my life and I believed that my less-than-model looks was the reason I didn’t get similar responses from most men I was attracted to, I thought that I was being shallow and emphasizing physical attraction more than I should with my friend. Nonetheless, I don’t feel that physical attraction for him.

    My question to you is: Is it unrealistic to expect my soulmate relationship to include sexual attraction as well as all other qualities that would make up the soulmate relationship?

    1. The short answer is no – that’s not at all unrealistic. But sexual attraction is a tricky thing. We often feel chemistry with people who either remind us of our family environment, or with whom we have a lot of Shadow work to do! If our upbringing was turbulent, we may not feel the zing-zing chemistry with someone who’s really sweet and nice to us. In that case, I invite you to tune in to a quieter chemistry – perhaps one that is more from our heart than from our hormones. Is the love so great that you feel the urge to express it physically, to merge with another’s soul and being? I never recommend partnering with someone we can’t stand to touch, but there is a balance between the stuff that knocks our socks off and something more stable and comforting.

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