How to Find Your PERFECT Partner!

Are you looking for the perfect soulmate partnership that the above photo describes?

You’ve heard me talk about my soulmate, whom I’ve been married to for over 21 years now. The above photo describes how we both felt when we first got together – the first night we were out together, we had that instantaneous “You’re the ONE!!” realization! We never knew it existed before either.

And in all my previous posts, you’ve heard me talk about what it takes to create this kind of love – mainly Self Love, which is the love for your Higher Self.

Today, I’m going to take the point of view of the lower self, since we do live there much of the time! And the lower self has a purpose – it is our survival self – it protects us as we navigate a potentially dangerous world, so we definitely don’t want to annihilate this important and useful part of ourselves.

The question is – are you going about your love relationships from the point of view of the lower self, or from your Higher Self?

The lower self is looking for that PERFECT partner. The one that has everything on our list of traits that we’re looking for. And don’t get me wrong – I had that list of traits – 25 of them to be exact! And my soulmate husband had all the qualities on my list.

But our survival self with its Shadow can use that list to protect us too! It can be using that list of traits to keep us safe in our comfort zone, to keep us from taking a risk, or from feeling vulnerable. And our vulnerability is what connects us with others.

Ultimately, there is no PERFECT relationship – and I can attest to that, after so many years with my soulmate! Life brings us challenges, it has its ups and downs, and there were a couple of times we thought we were on the brink of divorce, though we’ve always worked it out and now we are more deeply in love than ever.

Here is Elizabeth Gilbert’s take on the Soulmate relationship:

Actually, I don’t agree with her that it’s too painful to live with a soulmate forever – that’s the description of a Shadow relationship, IMHO. My marriage is mostly an easygoing relationship.

So what’s a single person looking for a life partner to do? Trust that EVERY person the Universe sends your way has a gift for you. Discover what that particular relationship has to offer you. Usually, the gift is learning something about what you need, who you are, or what Shadow aspect you didn’t see in yourself before, that you need to release and integrate.

We are all here to learn and grow together. Hopefully, it’s all leading us to know how to love better and more. Sometimes the love we are learning is a greater love for ourselves, or for our Higher Self. Sometimes we need to learn how to love others more – just the way they are, unconditionally.

I see too many clients who dismiss potential partners too quickly based on an initial impression. And although I and my husband experienced the “OMG, you’re the ONE!” response instantaneously,  this happened only after a couple of decades of dating others, marrying, divorcing, and learning to be very CONSCIOUS about love.

I do believe a soulmate relationship can also evolve slowly, where love grows over time, because you are growing in your Self-knowledge, and I have witnessed that as well.

It took me a lot of interim relationships to finally get to Soulmate love. The bottom line is that you have to get out there and PRACTICE love! You need to learn and develop your relationship SKILLS. Like any other skill in life, once you get it down, you begin to really reap the rewards. And yes, it will be imperfect, sometimes messy, possibly costly, and you will make mistakes, and you will get hurt. But those possibilities should not stop you from learning to LOVE.

It’s like deciding as a toddler, not to learn to walk because you might fall down! Your muscles aren’t yet strong enough, but each time you get up and get going, they do get stronger and stronger. In relationships, it’s your falling down that finally breaks down your Shadow, your ego, that is protecting you from being FULLY engaged with Life, and each time you recover and decide to love again, you strengthen your own greatest Inner Power! And THAT is why it’s SO worth it!!

I hope this article has helped you. Let me know what you think in the comments below. Wishing you MUCH LOVE!


10 thoughts on “How to Find Your PERFECT Partner!”

  1. Wonderful article Nijole! So many golden nuggets here. Thank you for sharing your wisdom- it comes at a ripe time for me, because I have just started online dating after 4 years of being out of a relationship. Your reminder that learning to love is a skill that takes practice is a helpful encouragement for me to go ahead and have some dates/relationships even if I sense that this person is not my soulmate.

    1. So happy it helped! Yes, each time we date we learn more about ourselves and what we want and don’t want. Plus – when you put less pressure and less expectations on the date, you will enjoy yourself more and relax and be more yourself too, which unintentionally helps you put your best foot forward. Kudos to you for getting out there and enjoying yourself! Perhaps you’ll even make some good friendships!

  2. Nijole, Thank you for this. Very illuminating. I often stay in relationships once I fall in love with the guy’s higher self, even if it’s only glimpses. I know from experience that’s no way to function in a relationship…and I know today that all these relationships have been pointing me to my neediness & wounds of the past that I’ve neglected. My challenge now is to stop focusing on the men & being a victim, but instead to look at MYSELF and see what kept me with them, even as they mistreated me. Thank you for sharing this wisdom!!!

  3. You’re really lovely Nijole,

    I’m really glad I subscribed and I really enjoyed your interview style in the ‘heal the shadow..2’ series. The folks at the Center for Integral Wisdom are saying:

    “The leading edge of spiritual practice in the 21st Century is relationship. This can also be called “We space.” While the solitary, deep inner work of a solo spiritual practice is still absolutely necessary and gorgeous, we are being called to accelerate planetary evolution in and through community.”

    I don’t know if this is true or not, but I do know that for sure your efforts and passion are helping to strengthen community by enhancing relationships.

    Love, J

    1. Thank you for your kind comments, Jason! I do agree with the folks at Center for Integral Wisdom. The world’s issues are getting more complex and we need to join together to pool our genius and our resources to solve these issues for an increasing population! It’s a natural development of evolution – in the beginning, the single cell needed to join other cells to create multi-cellular organisms, and that is happening now on the level of solo humans needing to join together to create communities. Thank you for being part of my community! Blessings!

  4. I just finished reading your post. I wonder at least for myself of the wall I have up. I am the one that wanted the separation and took my kids with me, reason i wasn’t in Love with him anymore, and set for another who showed love. But between both it was all the cause of been the Controller of every move or where i went. yes i did think i met the right person about 9 years ago, and still friends with, only to put up with his drinking . i have not dated for about 4 years for it seems that i attach to those who are needy or alcohol how it would be nice to meet someone.

    1. Vanessa, It’s perfectly understandable that you don’t want to date because your Shadow attracts the wrong type of person. It sounds like you tend towards codependency. If you become aware of it, and work on that within yourself, you will soon shift the types of people you attract. Often when we give too much, it’s because we don’t want to feel uncomfortable feelings. Learn to release whatever does not feel good in yourself, and give more to yourself!

  5. Nijole: I just want to say that I believe you are such a generous and loving person. You have been extremely generous with workshops and information about relationships. This blog was just what I needed to read about being willing to love again. I really like the analogy of a baby learning to walk. In fact my mother told me a story of my trying to walk at 9 mos. and then becoming afraid, then walking about six weeks after that. I have been without a close intimate relationship for 14 years. I can’t believe where the time has gone. I know that I have missed out on much but I am now really ready to love again. Thank you again for you wonderful encouragement.

    1. You’re welcome, Rose! I’m glad the article was of help to you. I hope it encourages you to step outside your comfort zone!

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