Loving the Right Wrong Person

This morning I had the privilege of listening to Bishop Carlton Pearson speak at the Agape International Spiritual Center. I did not  know of Bishop Pearson before (and what a story he has!), and I was pleasantly surprised by his wit and wisdom, and mostly the profound Truths he spoke. He is now  my latest favorite! (Click on the photo if you want to see the whole Sunday service or hear his entire talk…)

A quote he read at the end of his talk was especially meaningful to me because it summarized my entire Shadow teaching SO WELL!!

I had to go looking on the Internet for it. And although Bishop Pearson attributed it to Galway Kinnell, it’s actually from a book by Andrew Boyd entitled “Daily Afflictions: The Agony of Being Connected to Everything in the Universe.”

I loved it SO much, I just had to share it with you:

Loving the wrong person

Let our scars fall in love.
–Galway Kinnell

We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us.

But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong.

Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way.

But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems — the ones that make you truly who you are — that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate.

Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person — someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.”

I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way.

— ©2001-2 Andrew Boyd

That about sums it up! Any questions? Please leave your comments below.

Big hugs!

18 thoughts on “Loving the Right Wrong Person”

  1. I listened to this talk yesterday, too and loved the quote you mentioned. In fact I wrote it down, but thought he said “stars” rather than “scars” ( which I actually prefer!)
    The problem that occurred to me from Carlton’s talk was defining when acceptance of our imperfections can just become laziness or self-indulgence. After the talk I had the thought that he could profit from talking to Rev. Michael about his diet and exercise practice. Maybe you could address this, Nijole! Thank you.

    1. Hi Christa, Being a practitioner, I firmly believe that everyone needs to follow their own Inner Guidance. It’s true – sometimes we’re not sure if the voice we’re following is from our lower self or from our Higher Self, but if we keep getting undesired results in our lives, we will eventually tune in to the message. I do believe that only when we truly and fully accept our “imperfections” can we move on and heal them. We cannot effectively change if we are resisting “what IS”. And everyone does it in their own timing and pace, and that is as it should be because there are times we are truly not ready for the next level of our growth. Personally, I had made the decision to be vegetarian / vegan at a young age right out of college and very soon I was so sick I could not get out of bed. I went to a naturopath, since I believe in alternative medicine, and after he tested my blood to see what was going on, he said I am of the constitutional type that needs to be a carnivore. The carnivorous diet has served me very well for decades ever since. So we can never know what is for the highest and greatest good of someone else. The important thing is to see everyone without judgment, yes? That is when your own good can flow to you. When we judge others, we are cutting off our own good.

      1. Hi Nijole:

        Thank you for your response. I’ll try to clarify what I asked before. “When does self-acceptance become self-indulgence?” This is what I would like to focus on, ( I was just joking when i suggested that Carlton Pearson consult with Michael Beckwith about his diet. They are after all, good friends. Of course I would never attempt to tell another person what he should be eating!)

        Let’s leave Carlton alone and I’ll bring up a close friend of mine. She is, by any clinical standards, grossly overweight She says that she’d like to lose weight and has started some diet and exercise programs but maintains what you might call a vigorous sense of self-acceptance. She is very accepting of herself and of others. She has a huge heart but also a huge body, and even though everyone loves her, the fact is that she will not live as long as she could if she doesn’t change her ways. She is, to me, a prime example of someone who has let her self acceptance morph into self indulgence.

        Please understand that I am not judging her and I have never told her what to eat! I am using her here as a way to illustrate the question that I am asking….which is, again, “When does self-acceptance lead to self-indulgence?” Thank you

        1. Ok, thanks for clarifying! In that case, I would say it depends on the perspective you are self-accepting from. The lower self can accept oneself as an excuse to keep you in your comfort zone – this is the Shadow at work, which is why it is important to do the Shadow work, to become aware of your Shadow. The Higher Self uses self-acceptance to stop resisting what is – resistance giving “what is” power over us – and to be able to move forward more readily from a place of non-resistance, clearing the energy for real growth and change. I think the bottom line to knowing whether you are self-accepting or self-sabotaging is to look at the results you are getting. Coming from your Higher Self requires a greater capacity for taking responsibility, besides a strong connection to your Higher Self to begin with, which not everyone is ready for depending on their level of evolution. I hope this answers your question!

          1. I agree completely! What bothered me in Carlton Pearson’s talk was what seemed to be an acceptance of his limitations– period– without the further obligation to work with them, to transform or integrate them. (I took notes!) To me this is the antithesis of what Michael Beckwith (and the whole metaphysical movement) teaches. I was reminded of Richard Bach’s quote from “Illusions.” “If you argue for your limitations they are yours.” Yes, as you said very well, it’s an important step along the road to become aware of one’s limitations, but it’s a mistake just to stop there. This is why I brought up this issue.

  2. I found myself suddenly LAUGHING OUT LOUD – that’s all I can say for now b/c I’m in the midst of realigning my perspective on so many aspects of my life, OMG. Thank you Nijole for sharing the service at Agape and this link to the daily afflictions! diana

    1. You need to heal your Shadow and cultivate a loving relationship with it and with your Higher Self. See my comment to Kamelia below.

  3. At first I thought WHATTT?
    Then I thought WOW! Makes soooo much sense. All I can say is I’m a work in progress and hope to be completed enough to find that “wrong” person in this lifetime! Been through all the truly wrong ones.
    Thanks so much for the blog!

  4. Hi Nijole,

    I hven’t been “through enough relationships” to “begin suspecting there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong”.
    I’m trying to understand your email, talking about “my wrongness”. I don’t know what you mean and what you are trying to tell me. Well, now re-reading your message, I’m finding that actually you said what you think…well described in the last couple sentences.

    I just wonder why would you say that.

    Thank you for the message.


    1. Hi Kamelia, The “wrongness” is this author’s way of talking about our Shadow. We all have within us that which is unlike love. We heal it by becoming aware of it and integrating it into our Whole Being. But it never completely goes away. It has less energy because we allow it to be heard and voiced appropriately, and we learn to have control over it rather than it having control over us. In other words, we learn to live with it through acceptance and love of these aspects of ourselves. And we learn to do that with others as well. There is no such thing as a perfect person, though there is a perfect partner for you. That partner is the one whose Shadow works with yours the most smoothly. I hope that makes sense!

  5. Thank you, Nijole!! The timing on this was, indeed, perfect! I just learned this weekend that narcissists are my wrong-wrong man! But I’m learning from the wounds and I’m ready to make different choices. (I put him through hell, too, with my need for love and attention he was unable to give…Not defending him; just showing how unpleasant bad relationships are, when both parties walk away saying “YUCK”). I learned so much and thank God for it, because now I’m ready to do the work. I see how I brought this crappy relationship into my life and I want to change my habits! Thank you for sharing this goodness with us! It makes me hopeful. ❤️

    1. Absolutely! A narcissist cannot feed off of us if we heal all the wounds inside ourselves. Ultimately, it’s always about our relationship with ourselves and the Universe brings us reflections of that.

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